There are various versions of this came such as: if only you..., Do you have what would have happened if..., and would coulda shoulda.... I try not to play those games. In the past I have played, "what if I had not spoken to that guy, then I wouldn't have been raped," or "If only I had gone to a different school my life would have been different," and "You should have lost weight sooner."
In my running the big what if is, "What if I hadn't been born with clubbed feet." Would I have run better, faster, stronger? That, and all the others are useless games to me. I have face too much adversity in my life to play them. They wreck your head.
Something I have never written about, and hardly talked about is my hearing. 7-8 years ago I felt a hearing loss in my left ear. It felt like something was closing my hearing, and all I could hear was white noise. I was scared. I scared myself into doing nothing, because I was even more afraid of what may have been.
I think alot of us do that with health issues. We get so scared we don't do what we need to do. Mark has been urging my to get my hearing checked, and today it happened. The results are not good. I have severe hearing loss in my left ear. It is so bad a hearing aid would not do any good.
I was upset by this, but Mark was the one who said, "If only you had gotten this checked sooner..." Mark said nothing wrong, it's just I don't let my head go there. I have dealt with too much in my life to beat myself up over what I could or should have done. Now I deal with life as I know it.
I will speak to a specialist and see what if anything can be done. The audiologist gave me a list of things we could do, and I will read all the material.
My head is going through a lot of things trying to think about what this all means. All the thoughts though are on the future and how to cope. I can't do anything about the past.
Charlie
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