I have not written in a very long time, mostly out of lack of things to say, and too much to say, all at the same time. I do want to get this out there today, so please bear with me.
For people who have read this blog, you already know, for the others, I was born with Clubbed Feet. For those who aren't clear, here is what I was born with:
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/clubfoot/symptoms-causes/syc-20350860
"Clubfoot describes a range of foot abnormalities usually present at birth (congenital) in which your baby's foot is twisted out of shape or position. In clubfoot, the tissues connecting the muscles to the bone (tendons) are shorter than usual. Clubfoot is a fairly common birth defect and is usually an isolated problem for an otherwise healthy newborn.Clubfoot describes a range of foot abnormalities usually present at birth (congenital) in which your baby's foot is twisted out of shape or position. In clubfoot, the tissues connecting the muscles to the bone (tendons) are shorter than usual. Clubfoot is a fairly common birth defect and is usually an isolated problem for an otherwise healthy newborn."
As an infant I had tendons removed from both my legs in an effort to straighten my feet. The left foot took to it, but the right foot didn't. Years later, in my teens, I had surgery which removed bones from my right foot. I was able to have a straighter foot, but at a cost, lack of range of motion.
At the time I was given a grim diagnosis, that I could be wheelchair bound in my 50s. This horrified me, but had no guidance on how to avoid this. As you all know I took to running in my 40s. Clearly I loved it. I loved it for many reasons. Mostly, I loved it, because it made me feel normal in a world with people with normal feet.
While it bothered me how I looked as I ran, I got over that, and just ran, and loved the act of running. Running has always been painful for me, as I was told that the surgeries and the way I walk could lead to arthritis.
Several years ago I was told I had a minor form of arthritis in my right foot. No one wanted me to stop running, and was told to run as long as I could. So I have done just that.
Since my heart attack in 2014, my running has been more sporadic. I had a difficult time getting back into it, as medicines have affected how I run. In the meantime, most of the weight I lost early on returned.
Since last August, my left knee has been in a great deal of pain. It literally hurts to bend it too much. It hurts when I walk, sit, do anything. This week I found out, the problem is a sever form of Arthritis. I've been told I have to lose weight, but at the same time it has to be easier on the knees, so my exercise choices are limited. There is the possibility of surgery if things can't get under control.
I'm extremely depressed over this news. I feel that everything was set in motion from the moment I was born, and am fighting so hard not to be wheelchair bound later. I have another battle now....weight loss and the determination to keep moving. I'll be honest, I don't know what to do, and feel lost. It's all so painful right now.
Mark and I have backed out of this year's Gay Games, as I can't run with any comfort right now. I also don't know if I will be able to run in the future.
I have a lot of work ahead as I navigate this. I just needed to get this out there.
Charlie
